Gentle Boundaries for the Therapist Who's Tired of Pushing Through

Do you know that feeling when you've just finished explaining healthy boundaries to your client, and then late at night you're checking your phone to respond to a colleague's after-hours message? (Oh, the irony of being a therapist!)

You see, I've been reflecting lately on how we therapists are often brilliant at teaching boundaries but struggle to embody them ourselves. It's like having a perfectly organised filing system for others while our own papers are scattered everywhere!

In my recent months of spiritual practices, I've realised again and again that it's not about extending myself above and beyond externally. It's about creating time and space for myself to truly make peace with the parts in me and allow Self-Energy to unfold. But I can't do that if I'm scattered and busy hustling every day. I actually have to safeguard my mental clarity, time and energy - and allow myself space for my own spiritual growth so that I can one day become enlightened.

When I work with therapists in the She Blossoms program, I often hear:

• "I know I should say no, but then the guilt keeps me awake at night"

• "Everyone else seems to manage their caseload better than me"

• "I feel selfish when I don't respond right away"

Let's pause here and take a gentle breath together.

From an Internal Family Systems lens, that guilt is often our 'caretaker part' doing its best to keep us connected, valued, and needed. This part has probably worked overtime throughout our careers (and likely long before that). This part is also likely the result of many years of social conditioning to be liked by others, to put everyone before ourselves, to be a 'Good Girl.'

When guilt arises after saying no, try this:

1. Pause and notice the sensation of guilt in your body

2. Thank your caretaker part for its dedication to helping others

3. Ask the caretaker part, "I see your fear and concern. What do you need to relax and step back?"

4. Listen openly and with compassion

5. Gently remind this part that Self-Energy can lead now

6. Notice how your body responds to this acknowledgment

Since young, I have always been inspired by the Bodhisattva spirits of giving joy and happiness to others while taking away their pain and suffering. I tried to emulate that by bending myself over and backward with all demands. I say yes to everyone else but myself. In the end, I was just depleted. Then, I realised that Bodhisattvas need to be able to 'save' themselves first before they can 'save' others. The focus should be on our own liberation and enlightenment (connection to Self-energy) first. While I thought that I am emulating Bodhisattva spirits – I was just reacting with my Self-Sacrificing schema, driven by fear of abandonment!

Without our own inner transformation and spiritual awakening, our abilities to support others can be limited. There are subtle differences between the notion of self-sacrificing schema and the bodhisattva spirit of supporting others selflessly. As I continue my introspective reflection, I've realised that the self-sacrificing schema is driven by fear and insecurity. They are parts. They are not Self-Energy (our true Self).

On the other hand, bodhisattva practitioners are enlightened practitioners emanating Self-Energy; their states of being are steady and filled with boundless brightness and compassion. There are no self-serving attachments and ego reacting or comparison of more/less. Hence, there is no guilt per se. When we are able to cultivate this compassion and loving-kindness, complete within us, perhaps we are one step closer to our own spiritual growth and liberation.

It's a fundamental shift of perspectives:

The former is restrictive.

The latter is expansive.

So, before I have my true spiritual awakening, I have a human birth suit that can deteriorate with time (subject to hormonal fluctuation). My energy can be depleted and needs replenishing. I will need the same compassion to my own ‘parts’ and body. This is by practicing gentle boundaries to safeguard my time and energy.

Here are some gentle scripts I use for setting boundaries (and managing the guilt that visits afterward):

• "I need to pause before answering - can I get back to you tomorrow?"

• "I want to give this the attention it deserves when I'm fresh."

• "My practice right now is to sleep on decisions about new commitments."

Every time we honour our boundaries, we're not just taking care of ourselves - we're modelling authentic self-trust for our clients.

Isn't it beautiful how our own healing ripples out to support others?

I wonder - what would become possible in your practice if you treated your boundaries with the same compassion you offer your clients?

P.S. Want more support with gentle boundary-setting? Download my Gentle Boundaries Bundle - it's filled with scripts, reflections, and somatic practices designed specifically for therapists who are ready to transform their relationship with boundaries.